I have been in a funk the last two or three weeks and I have struggled with putting my finger on the exact reason. Granted there is a bunch that can weigh a person down, but just was not sure of the specifics. I began praying that I would have some clarity as to what had me down. One thing came to mind that startled me slightly.
I have been surrounded by quiet a few pregnant woman with the due date of 3/3. This date is one that has been etched in my mind for two plus years now. That was baby brother’s due date. I have been noticing my feelings of resentment towards these woman and almost a sense of bitterness. I really starting praying about these feelings and have come to a sense, now of understanding… These woman are able to carry their babies full term, they will see their due dates of 3/3 or even beyond and they will bring their little bundles home with them when they leave the hospitals.
Ugh, is my heart really still “caught up” on something that took place over two years ago? Am I truly still looking back instead of being grateful for the healthy and thriving little boy that I have in baby brother? Can I still be mourning something that took place years ago? Have I forgotten all the blessings that have come out of baby brother and his early arrival? Is my heart really that dark?
In all honesty I feel slightly ashamed talking about this but I figure if I don’t get it out I will continue to let it fester in my heart and really what good is that? If I keep re-reading past chapters in my life how will I ever be willing to read through the new chapters that God has blessed me with in this beautiful mess of a life?
All of this to say, I am broken and sometimes it is not until I am willing to acknowledge it am I truly able to surrender and walk away knowing that this is the life, the perfect life that God knew I could handle… even if those feelings of resentment creep in. 3/3 may always hold a place in my heart, but knowing that my little boys was knit together in my womb by the Creator of heaven and earth and came out when HE saw fit then I really need to just let go and let God’s story of healing, love and grace take the priority.
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